There are so many things I have seen and thought this week that I want nothing more than to share with you. I want to tell you but above all I want you to recieve them without weighing them for anything else than what they are: thoughts to be shared.
I realize this can't be. It can't, and it won't be because of what I said and how you reacted to my saying it the last time we spoke. I put out in the open the type of things that were bound to make you uncomfortable. That were bound to make me uncomfortable around you and in some ways, uncomfortable around myself.
By putting into words my thoughts I gave them a power they didn't have to have. You now weigh my actions differently, as if seeing everything through a different filter of color, that highlights details that otherwise you wouldn't have noticed. This renders a simple act of sharing thoughts into an uncomfortable and awkward exchange. It renders once flowing and blissfully ignorant conversations unreachable and a thing of the past. Or atleast, that's what it feels like to me.
And so, the fact that I spent the weekend with a philosophy teacher, that studied at our very own university and got her doctorate in Germany, must be kept to myself. The same goes for the appearance of your nickname in the book I'm currently reading or the amount of stars in the sky at night. I find myself stopping myself from sharing with you all these things that remind me of you, and I realize there are so many things I want to tell you. I'd like to tell you about the hollow feeling in my chest, the gripping twist in my gut and how I caught myself contemplating falling off a high bridge. But I can't.
There are other minor things, details, that I know I could've once shared with you, that I wish I still could. But for some reason I can't bring myself to regret the last conversation we had. And so, now I just hope that we can one day resume sharing thoughts and things in a mundane matter, that the awkwardness is left behind somehow.
I know it'll happen eventually. When it does, we'll have so much to talk about, so much to share. At least I will.
Until next time then.
Yours sincerely,
B
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