Submission #5

From November, 2014 

I woke up to the realization that the emotional person that I am makes me unstable and vulnerable. Going back to the events of last night I think about how the existence of shame exists as part of the aftermath - shame over my actions and reactions, over who I was at that particular moment in time, all things considered. My feelings evolved however, as time passed and my body was fully embracing the feeling of being a sponge, taking in everything I was feeling, and I realized the dominant emotion was pain. I assumed I was reliving the pain I must've felt in my drunken stupor. This led to understanding how vulnerable I was to my emotions when encountering a trigger to their violent unraveling, how easily I could succumb to making a fool of myself due to the alcohol running through my veins, making everything a fuzzy memory. And yet the only thing that wasn't at all fuzzy was the pain. 


I was hurting. 

I was hurting then, 

and I'm hurting now.

The hangover leads me back to bed after the sickly desired glass of water, but after a full wake up, getting dressed and physically moving on from last night, the hangover hung over my head, making my chest constrict when my mind wandered over to the implications of what happened. It had become a moral hungover, and I felt as if I were trapped in a revolving door. Going around and around, everytime I passed through the opening, I'd get a glimpse – a taste – of what shame, anger and pain felt like if I were to get out. When no text of apology or recognition came, I realized I'd better close the door. 


But revolving doors don't ever really close, and moral hangovers aren't driven away by hydrating liquids, fatty foods or tylenol.

I've learned that everyday, every experience is about learning about oneself. And it's been a long time since I learned that for me closure comes only with confrontation. 


It's not about closing the door, it's about getting out.


I just wish I knew where to get the strength to survive the confrontation of the fact that the emotional person that I am makes me vulnerable, and when paired with fuzzy mindfullness inducing liquids, unstable. 

I don't want to be emotionally unstable, but above all, I just want to stop hurting. Maybe then, when it has stopped, I'll regain my confident footing and the strength to endure the experiences to come.

Maybe.