submission #12

Sometimes I take it back
Sometimes I don't
But those times I just wish it didn't weigh as much
Those times I wish what happened didn't matter, that it could be forgotten.


Sometimes I miss you
Sometimes I consider forgiving everything you did wrong
Most times I remember how different forgiving is from forgetting
That's why it's only some times that I think about the good times
It's only sometimes that I imagine being the type of person that doesn't care.

And yet, sometimes those 'sometimes' seem like more times than other times
In those times I find myself wondering if it's worth it --
the not forgiving
the caring
the weight
And these times, triggered spontaneously, I hate
So most times, at the end of those times, I remember --
I remember who I am
I remember who you were
I remember that the only person who can hurt me more than you is me by thinking that 'sometimes' is enough

And I thank god it's only sometimes that I think like this

submission #11

I used to look up, look around. 

I like seeing things, where I'm going, who is doing what around me. 

I stand up and take in my surroundings. 

Not anymore. 

Now I look down. I keep my eyes down for fear of looking up, of looking around and accidentally seeing you. I fear seeing you seeing me or you seeing me see you.  Because despite the fact that I've thought about what it would be like to see you, in a way craved what the situation would do to us, I remember what it feels like to picture your face in my minds eye, and I realise that that encounter is the last thing I want.

That feeling and realisation is the reason why I no longer look around when I walk.

It's also the reason I no longer wear my glasses even if unnecessary, like I used to. With them on I see and I recognise. So I no longer wear them indefinitely, because without them I might see you but I won't recognise you. And if I don't recognise you, I won't feel the way I do when I think of you. 

If I can barely handle the feelings evoked by images in my minds eye, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can't handle seeing you in person.  

I can't. 

And I won't. 

Until the sickening feeling I get when I think of you ceases to exist. 

submission #10

Flashes of memory assault me and I feel like I’m underwater. 

I reach deep and force myself to think of something else, anything else. The easiest thought is this. Writing it down. Making out of it something someone might enjoy reading some day. 

I hate how I feel it's only things that make someone uncomfortable that are thought to be interesting objects of study or literature. It’s those things, experiences, ideas, feelings that are prone to catch someone’s eye. 

And yet, I exploit it. 

Sometimes I make up uncomfortable situations, other times I exaggerate the ones I've lived. But other times, like this one, I just let it out, hoping they'll stay out and give me some peace of mind. 

submission #9

Dear you,

You think, feel and say such things yet it seems you don’t actually think about their meaning or how they will affect those you say them to. 

You drown in feelings and forget about other feelings and the other people who might be feeling them. 

What you said to me, and the way you said it, not only doesn’t make sense at times, but it clearly demonstrates the way you feel about me and what you think of me as a friend and as a person. It was a clear message about how all the time, energy and feelings I invested in you -in our friendship- in the end meant close to nothing to you, because none of it was taken into account in your analysis of the situation.

At first, what you said hurt my feelings. Now, it just makes me angry, because I am an incredible friend. But, like you said, I have a problem, which is caring too much. You pushed me to my limit, and instead of defying and fighting against that limit, I acknowledged it and respected it. I asked you to do so as well. However, you couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that there were real emotional limits to respect. You still can’t wrap your head around the fact that I was about to become collateral damage of your issues. In the end, it is a problem and it’s solely mine. So I say again: I don’t know how to be the friend you want me to be, so please respect the fact that I’m going to stop trying. Respect that I stopped risking hurting myself emotionally for you. Because it is my way of addressing my problem. 

So, it makes me angry, these implied accusations of me not only being a crappy friend, but a crappy person in general. Frankly, I will not stand for it, not until you understand how you insulted me, and apologize for it. 

Unfortunately, we are alike in that we are proud and stubborn, so this is doomed to be a waiting game. Waiting to see who will cave first, who will swallow bitter pride and approach the other. 

Waiting for the other to feel enough remorse for that to be worth it. 

And I highly doubt it will be me. Because despite the fact that you made me angry, anger can be swallowed and forgotten much more easily than confusion and resentment, which seems to adequately describe how you feel and what you think, 

of me, 

of our freidnship, 

and of the whole situation in general.  

Until then, 

B

Submission #8

C,

I miss you so much. 

I miss who you were when you were here, who you used to be and who you could've been had things gone your way. I miss your presence and your essence. I miss what you did and what you didn't do. 

I simply miss you. 

I just want you to know. I wish there's some way you would know. I hope you feel it, wherever you are, how missed you are. 

Because you're missed so very much. 

Yours always, 

-B

Confesión #7

Tengo los ojos llorosos. 

Parpadeo para evitar que se formen y derramen lagrimas, y termino cerrandolos por segundos a la vez. 

Quiero abrir los ojos y mirar mis alrededores, pero los tengo llorosos y no se si es por el resplandor de la resolana sobre el pavimento, la polución o la leve brisa que no ha dejado de quitarme el poco calor que tengo. Entonces los dejo cerrados y me concentro en el ruido que me rodea. 

Esta empezando el día y la gente tiene los ojos cansados, pero los abren y salen a vivir el día, sea por gusto, por deber o por aburrición. Y yo sigo tratando de abrir bien los ojos, todavia tratando de evitar que lloren. Me irrita tener los ojos irritados y llorosos. Y más aún me irrita no saber porque los tengo llorosos e irritados. Depronto y muy probablemente tiene que ver con el hecho de que insisto en mantenerlos pegados a la pantalla con resplandor de mi celular, con esta resolana, brisa y polución. 

Tengo los ojos llorosos, y si no paro van a llorar. 

Y lo último que quiero ahorita es llorar. 

Submission #6

It has nothing to do with standards.

I don't believe you lack a sense of what people should be and do to qualify as worthy people of your respect and attention. And yet, I wish you'd be more selective, more critical of those who get close to you. More critical of yourself when you decide to respect someone. It's not that you don't think you deserve better, it's simply that you are swayed by emotion, by what things seem to be from the outside. Preconceived ideas, originated by external forces, but fueled by your imagination, are influential in your calculations and decisions. 

I wish they weren't.

I wish you would question every single thing that goes through your head, every single emotion that courses through your veins. Not out of self doubt, but rather out of self respect and a sense of safety. But I know it's not an easy thing to achieve – that distancing from emotion and logic, when you've been told your whole life that you overthink everything too much and that doing so is not only unnatural but also unhealthy. 

But that's the thing: it isn't. 

There is no such thing as thinking of something too much, especially when it's something as important and crucial to life as trusting and loving someone; at least not when it comes to the decision to start trusting and loving someone. I understand that decisions must be made, fears and doubts must be overcome and that overthinking them can be a cause for unnecessary stress; it can be a deterrent of action and necessary risks. But when it comes to primary and fundamental things, upon which life will be based on, overthinking is key. It's necessary that our brains go around and around the subject, again and again and again. Because every time you think about it critically, you will think something differently, and that can lead to uncovering ideas and thoughts that aren't obvious, but that are highly important when it comes to making a decision. This is why time is essential. Time to mull over, to consider all possibilities, to retrace all steps. When it comes to deciding who you are going to love, who you are going to devote yourself to for possibly the rest of your life, overthink, overanalyze and make sure no detail escapes you. 

Because I know you, and you won't give yourself another chance.